Change of Season

“And all at once, summer collapsed into fall.” – Oscar Wilde

We wanted to continue our new traditions with Indra so we sought out an apple orchard in Iowa and took her apple picking. If you’ve only done something once before, can you still call it a tradition? This orchard was quite beautiful. Grandpa Dave had been before so he told us of some of the good baked treats and we all went on a tractor ride to the fields.

I think we may have each consumed a pound of apples before we left. But how else are you suppose to figure out what you want? These two are buddies!In early September we headed out to Champaign to celebrate Robb’s tenure/40th birthday party! We were so proud of him, turning 40 is kind of a big deal. Just kidding. He has worked so hard for so many years – Sammy and the kids were also part of the equation, supporting and encouraging him to fulfill this dream. We were happy with the chance to see them.

Indra making herself right at home in Zoe’s room. She’s sort of a little snoop.Watching the kids play soccer and getting some snuggles with Auntie.
Getting all sorts of love and attention from the Lindgrens. My bald little baby was loving it!Having “special time” with the kids. We swapped offspring for a few hours. The three of us played mini golf and had paletas (aka: delicious Mexican popsicles) after sweltering in the sun. Sammy and Robb took Indra to the park.Getting the hang of this smelling thing.Back in Iowa I was trying to get crafty about making Indra like her crib. Since she was born, we only had a one bedroom, so we all piled into bed together. While it worked for us, it wasn’t always convenient. I felt like we had such a special bond from all this touching, but to be honest, sometimes I was jealous of the parents who could just plop their kid in bed and go on with their night. And also, not always have all that touching! This little Baby Einstein gadget was a bit of an amusement, but never got her to like her crib.

We share a close DNA with chimps?! No way, I don’t believe it!
Celebrating three years married and fifteen years together. I swear this wasn’t posed. I guess making her sleep in a crib makes this sweetness a lot harder to capture.Loves Grandpa’s green smoothie. Even if sometimes her little ‘stach looks a little like Hitler.Getting ready for family pictures and just hanging out in Iowa.Sweet little dress that Zoe made for Indra.Walking in the woods with Grandpa to scout out a location for Grandma’s bench.Some of Indra’s favorite activities these days: sorting, being blown around by the fan, kangaroo-in-a-box, and talking on the phone.We went apple picking with Nana, but ended up just looking at goats and taking cute pictures of Indra in her new winter hat. Meanwhile, I ran after her trying to keep those little fingers away from sneaky goat mouths.That’s all for now!

Summertime 2017

“Summertime is always the best of what might be.” -Charles Bowden

 

Our move to Iowa was a slower pace of life. We would see beautiful sunsets in the country and deer wandering the yard looking for apples. Ezra was around more, either working from home or from a coworking space. And of course we now had a third parent. Grandpa Dave and Indra were quick to play and bond.  Unfortunately, those first couple weeks were painful to watch Diesel slowly slip away from us. We tried everything and resisted the inevitable. In the end we said some prayers to him and drove in town to peacefully put him to sleep. We buried him in the backyard by the tree we planted for Laurie. I had Diesel in my life for 16 years. He had a good life and it was an emotional goodbye.We spent Indra’s actual birthday by being lazy and just hanging out. We went for a nice little stroll in the woods and dinner out at a brewery afterwards. Just what every one-year old dreams of on their birthday! Just hanging out dowtown Iowa City at the Ped Mall, splash padding and going to more breweries on this hot day.
So, trying to catch this final 12-month picture with her bunny was a little more difficult than in the months past. I guess this is what being one-year-old looks like!
Finally giving her a birthday gift. Just a book, because we still couldn’t decide what to get her. Parents of the year!Proof that at one point, I was actually putting some effort into potty training. Summer sweetness! Laurie and Dave would take a trip in the summer to the North Shore or more recently to the Upper Peninsula in Michigan. So we decided to all go together this year. I had no idea how beautiful this area was. There was a lot of beach time, but also, never enough.
Some favorite activities of the week were spending a ridiculous amount of time in the sauna, then jumping in Lake Superior. I think I only managed the frigid waters once. But the sauna I did do.
Follow up our pretty intense activity with drinking, games and serious vacation reading. Indra modeling her new clothes from our German friend.If you ever need to find Soren, just look for him fishing by the water. Morning, noon, or night. Always. Scary Uncle Josh!
Celebrating our birthdays with a booze soaked cake made by monks. They know how to party. I’m turning into my mom. Forcing family pictures. One of the reasons we went on this vacation was to spread some of Laurie’s ashes. We wanted to take her to the places she loved. I don’t know if I should have taken this picture. I guess I was happy we were together, and wanted to remember this moment. I was sad and wanted a distraction. Either way, Laurie would have been so happy for us all to be here together. After we spread her ashes we saw the Northern Lights. Another thing that Laurie loved. Laurie would be so proud of Dave. He is such a loving Grandpa. Last morning in our beach rental.
As we were leaving town we stopped for lunch. At lunch, a couple beers were consumed. We discussed how none of us wanted to go home and what about if we got a hotel and stayed another night? The vote was taken, it was unanimous. We checked into a hotel, went back to the beach and called this our “vacation chaser.” It’s exactly something Laurie would have approved of. Back in Minneapolis, these brothers got ready to run Ragnar. Learning to smell flowers?Meeting the guys at the finish line.Ez’s birthday Back in Iowa I started getting a taste of what the toddler years would be like. In Michigan, with all the prompting and cheering from family, Indra really stepped up her walking game. Her first steps were really around the 4th of July. But she took it to a whole new level with this newfound confidence. Running away from me at the library. Running away from me at the park.I finally figured out a gift for Indra. I’m trying to get better about buying more sustainable and socially conscious gifts. I’ve got a long way to go, but I really wanted to get Indra a special doll. I found this company that trains and gives women refugees a livelihood. And the dolls are so incredible. The packaging was pretty cool as well! It came all the way from Dharamsala.Farmer’s market with Grandpa.

And that sums up our summer.

The Lake and 1st Birthday Party

“Time wasted at the lake is time well spent.”

Summer seriously is the best time of the year. Especially when you live someplace where winter occupies the other half of the year. This was our first time taking Indra up to the lake. As I’ve gotten older, the lake has lost some of its luster for me. It doesn’t hold quite the same appeal as when we were kids running around with our cousins. However, this year I was excited to bring Indra. It would be a week of a lot of firsts.
How many cousins can you fit in a kiddie pool?I cannot remember exactly why Ezra surprised me with this beautiful bouquet of flowers but I was really touched. It probably had something to do with how difficult the past few months had been. Either way, flowers for no reason are always a nice surprise! Worthy of a picture for sure.Indra, is like “who the hell is this guy again?”Taking a bath in the same sink we did as kids. It comes full circle! First time boating!First time swimming in the pool! I think she liked it! haha First time in the lake. I told you there were a lot of firsts! Sneaking off to nap with Indra. I was getting over a nasty cold.

And then we arrived back in time for Indra’s first birthday party. This was meant to be a casual affair. But I found these incredible looking cupcakes on Pinterest which spurred a garden party idea. Then I had finally lost some of my baby weight and this dress finally fit. So a simple one-year-old birthday party got a little fancy. Ezra saw us in dresses and insisted on dressing nice too. I had been counting on him to bring the casual to the party. But he thought he’d be out of place if he wore jeans. So fancy we all became!

I cannot take credit for these cupcakes. I bossed my sisters into making them. They had better skills than I, and also, I had planned poorly how time consuming these would be to decorate. Luckily, they put up with me, but not before calling me a “dictator” or some other such term of endearment. I totally deserved it.Opening gifts!Bench from Grandpa Bernie.So proud of this gluten, dairy, processed sugar free cake.It may look like Indra enjoyed this soulless cake. But actually she gagged on it. What a surprise, right? It was so dense it sort of felt like a brick.Finally free from that dress and god-awful cake!Baby buns, just because.

            Wearing off some of that food.

Not sure if I took this picture totally posing or if Nana snuck in and took it. Either way, love laying with my little sweetie.

Getting ready to head out of Minnesota and drive to our new home in Iowa.

First Fall

“Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life.” -Naeem Callaway

Indra is three months old now and so much has changed. I’m feeling more secure in this new role. I’m making mom friends and joined an ECFE class. Because we don’t know how to keep things simple, Ez took a job in Alexandria, which means a two hour commute back-and-forth every week. Indra has a hard time in the car, so for the two of us, this was a three to four hour drive. After all, it takes some time to stop and shed tears together! There were weeks we were unable to go to Alexandria, so with some trepidation, I stayed home alone with a three-month old. Despite these obstacles we are hoping for the best, grateful that Ezra had this opportunity, and know we were working towards our future. Living in a one bedroom and taking this job was for a purpose. We were working towards our dream, and that dream was now even more important with a baby.

Birth Class friends

Not a fan of tummy time, but more enjoyable at ECFE.
Fall photos at Nana and Papa’s.
  This little chick’s first time trick-or-treating!    In just this one month Indra changed so much. She became so observant and aware. She’d watch me eat pineapple is complete fascination, or watch feathers above her swaying, or notice Diesel walking by. She began to hold on to things. She likes to stand and started to put her hands on my face. When I’d say “kiss” she opens her mouth. She’s wants to be more mobile, trying to roll over and scoot out of her chair. She did finally complete a roll from back to front! She does the boat pose which everyone finds hilarious. It’s her pilates move. She has a crazy strong core and will lift both legs up and slap them down, like a whale tale. She is starting to grasp at her toys and holds rattles and found her thumb. She makes this “kheeee” sound. She slept in a crib for the first time! She started a sleep regression. She got sick for the first time – just a low-grade fever but enough to freak me out. She does a little fishy move with her arms. She holds onto me when she nurses and makes a “hmmmm mmmm mmm” sound. She likes to scratch at the mesh in her bassinet and loves the Regalo label on the toddler rail. She notices everything! 

Buds

But the best change is seeing more and more of her personality coming out. We’re starting to see who she really is. She is the happiest baby. Everyone, and I mean everyone, comments on it – strangers, relatives, friends, everyone. When someone smiles she smiles back, its just an automatic reaction. Her eyes light up and a smile flashes across her face. Even when she’s tired she will (almost) always reward you with a sweet smile. Even Diesel is drawn to her. A grumpy old cat that seeks her out. As soon as we lay her down, he runs across the room and plops down next to her. He loves to nuzzle her with his head or place his paw on her.
A collage of friendship!

First time volunteering at ARC! Dancing and doing affirmations in the mirror.
Four months – how did that happen! Thanksgiving – BonEash style.   As her mom, I want to remember everything. But since I have a bad memory I need pictures. I even want to remember her sad and tired faces. 

I always thought it sounded so cliché, but seriously where has the time gone? Every moment feels like such a gift, I try to focus on how lucky I am to have this precious time, not on how fleeting it is. Its like a mandala, these beautiful little moments that I can’t hang on to. They’re impermanent. Being a mother makes me in the moment like I’ve never been before.Just snapshots of our days.
Hanging out at Target. No crying and just chilling in the cart to her white noise.

Its official, Indra is a snuggler. She never wants to be put down. Carry her, wear her, lay down with her, its all fine. We traded the bassinet for the crib, but she still sleeps with us. I worried for awhile about doing everything all wrong. Then I read something that resonated with me – babies were happier when worn and slept with their parents. I decided right then and there that I would just go with my intuition and take her lead. My goal as a mother is for Indra to trust me. So much development is happening in her brain these first three years, I want those happy neurological pathways to be formed and reinforced! If my tiny baby wants touch and reassurance, well then I am happy to give it to her. No more second guessing and questioning.  It seems to make us all happy. In our ECFE class Ezra and I said our favorite moment is when Indra wakes up and looks between the two of us and just smiles. We’re a little unit of love and happiness.

Hanging out by the lake in Alexandria. Trying to soak in some sun and good spirits.
Hey look, I have a thumb!A sunny fall weekend with Grandma and Grandpa. Time to buy a crib! Officially outgrown the bassinet she never sleep in. We don’t want to say goodbye.

Baby cage!

First time voting – We’re With Her! One of our favorite pastimes is simplifying and minimizing. During this pursuit we found some technology from the past. Sambusa Sunday with the Somalian community. Showing our support!I don’t like tummy time, but I can’t help but smile anyway!

 So happy to see my Illinois cousins!  First grainy Thanksgiving family picture!Grandma’s girl Because baby butts are cute… and funny. Bathtime!

fourth trimester

“Meeting you was like listening to a song for the first time and knowing it would be my favorite.”

The fourth trimester. These first three months with Indra were pretty incredible. After that first month at home we took her out into the world. Okay, maybe not the world but our little corner of it, and it was exciting. Everything was a new adventure to be experienced for the first time. We were reminded how the world looks through a child’s eyes. We introduced Indra to our family and friends and complete strangers. It took some getting used to, having random people stopping to chat all the time – but I’ve come to love it. What ground is more common and an immediate connection than children.

Our first foray out in a month – celebrating my birthday with a cafe, walk along the river and a trip to Target.

Going to lunch with Nana and Papa.One month old – how can that be?After two weeks of paternity leave Ezra went back to work. There are ideal jobs and then, drag-yourself-out-of-bed-with-dread jobs. This job was the latter. So we were giddy with joy when, serendipitously, the opportunity to leave came. Yes, we were a little nervous to have a new baby and both be unemployed. But we are masters of frugality, and also, if there ever is a time to use credit cards, now was that time. The next month-and-a-half had its stress while Ez looked for a new role, but most mornings he’d spend a couple hours with Indra and let me sleep. He could actually be home for dinners and the weekends were mostly ours. It was beautiful how the timing happened. Those days were fleeting and precious. The memories are already a little hazy, but were so special, and we were lucky to have so much time together.Celebrating Ez’s 40th with family, bars, breweries and a walk.
Daddy’s girl So many hours spent looking at this sweet face.
First time walking along the trail to the grocery store. Only a minimal amount of crying. It felt like a mom win! This was the first time it felt like she was holding onto me. It deserved a grainy picture, right?Wanting desperately to remember all her sweet and silly faces. Everything Indra did was important to us. At a week we were surprised when she found her thumb and started smiling. We gave her her first bath around three weeks. I noticed she started touching me more while nursing and pushing off of me with her little feet. We tried a pacifier but to no avail. We would continue trying and she would continue to resist. Then there was the bottle, which like the pacifier, was met with skepticism. Why take a bottle when you can get it straight from the tap?At about four weeks we thought we saw her first real awake smile. Followed by a steady stream that seems to never stop.
Except for when it does! Labor Day at the beach with family.
Happy little Buddha baby.So many precious hours spent holding and rocking this little being.
Watching her puffins. Our attempt to keep her warm while bathing always made her look a little like a friar or Leonardo da Vinci. She didn’t seem to mind.Going out as a family I felt proud and happy, and slightly overwhelmed figuring out all the ins-and-outs of parenting… and all this baby gear. There was a bit of anxiousness navigating the new role, but like anything, it just took a little time to gain confidence.  We started venturing a little further afield.

We discovered that she really didn’t like the being in the carseat. Perhaps there is nothing more stressful for a new mom than not having the ability to immediately pick up their crying baby. I would frantically pull over and get in the backseat to nurse, and start sobbing too. If there’s one goal I have, it’s for Indra to trust me. When she needs me, I always want to be available and present. This foundation is built young. What this means in terms of my actions, will of course morph over the years. However, right now, when she cries – I respond. 
Every baby is so different and we were learning about ours.She has a spirit that immediately struck us as special (we are unabashedly biased). She was so aware right from the moment she arrived. Being a first time mom you don’t know what makes your baby unique, you don’t have anything to compare it to. Everyone who meets her, or just walks by for that matter, stops and comments on how aware she is. How could she be so young and taking everything in that way? She is a sweet little girl that would prefer to be held at all times, snuggling in, touching and smiling up at you. She has a smile for everyone – it’s an automatic reflex. Even when overly tired – if you smile at her, she will reward you with one back. Except when in the aforementioned carseat, of course.

 Walking with auntie Jill and Levi.I hadn’t given a ton of thought to what our sleeping arrangement would be, but our little snuggler decided for us. And we would resume “the position” every nap and every night.

Two months!
First Annual Apple Orchard trip.At about six weeks we noticed her cooing and babbling, and we thought we heard her laugh in her sleep. She was getting strong and already trying to sit up in her chair and holding her head up. She’s started following people with her eyes. We started hearing her laugh – all the time. She’s so happy. 
She started experimenting with her sounds and likes having conversations. She babbles, I talk, then she babbles some more. She cries less, and instead, is using different sounds to try and express what she wants. She resists tummy-time so we started working on it more. A baby cobra started to emerge – although mastery is still far off. A possible role for Ez at the Mayo Clinic had us heading to Rochester to check out the town. I prepared for the arduous journey with new carseat bling and putting on a brave face. We had an interlude with horrible gasping sobs and me on the side of the highway bouncing my baby. Indra – 1; Parents – 0.

Every morning Ez would take a picture of Indra before heading out for work or a job interview. We are usually assuming the position.So much love from her cousins!Levi reminiscing about his baby days.Our two year wedding anniversary was spent sharing our birth story with the new birth class. I may have rambled, shared too much information and teared up. Maybe, but who’s to say? We followed this up with drinks and apps… and our two-year-old frozen wedding cake that my parents wanted out of their freezer.
A former boss offered Ezra a position in Alexandria. With a new baby who hates the car, why not keep considering jobs so far away? Trying to prepare and avoid the inevitable cries – I spend a good half hour getting Indra to sleep before we set out. My initial reaction to the job in Alex, “no.”

But it was pretty on this perfect fall day. And the job ended up being low-stress and family friendly, which ended up with a “yes.” Another beautiful fall day before the winter hits. A walk along the path to get coffee, the bookstore and pizza. This will forever stay in my mind as one of life’s perfect days.Facetime with grandma and grandpa.So happy!Debate parties with the Bjorholm/Eash clan.At about 12 weeks we saw Indra grab her feet and started laughing when I would nuzzle her neck and belly. It seems like she was trying to touch me now and would watch my mouth. Occasionally she wouldn’t cry in the car and that felt like a milestone, and also like she was growing up. Getting ready to shop with Nana.Heading to Stillwater for the Harvest Fest. Really we just want to see the huge pumpkin get smashed.
She started getting really good at entertaining herself. She’d play under her gym, once I noticed she was under there for almost an hour. She loved her zebra, and it looked like she actually started holding it. She loved watching me eat. Eating pineapple became the most fascinating thing. It’s like all of a sudden her eyes really opened. She noticed Diesel and the feathers moving over her changing table. She grasped at things I’d give her.

Looking back at these pictures I’m struck by how fast this all went. How aware and very young she was. How her silly personality and calm disposition and serious intensity started to become apparent.Not quite ready to retire the bassinet. Even though she hardly slept in it (and outgrew it fast), I’m not quite ready for her to be so grown up.No toys? Well, here’s a pinecone.Three month pictures. A little tired so smiles were harder to come by.Until we lost the pants!Mom life = blowouts and forgetting extra clothes.Pumpkin-patching.Three-months – such a big girl!  Already nostalgic for these early days.This pretty much sums up the magical fourth trimester.

sitting moon

“Let your life being a painting, let you life be a poem.” – Osho

The month following birth I observed sitting moon. Four weeks that were the best gift I could’ve ever given myself. Four weeks of staying home and adjusting to motherhood, resting and healing and bonding with this little human that was now in our lives. The only exception was Indra’s doctor appointments. Otherwise, we only accepted a few visitors. I rested and stayed warm, ate healing foods and cuddled with our little darling. I’m lucky to have such a supportive partner in Ezra. Without him, this time would not have been possible. In this month we really became a family and learned so much more about each other.

The weeks after childbirth were a fragile and transformative time. I felt fierce and soft – I spent almost every minute with her cradled in my arms. There were things I was really unprepared for, I was surprised in how giving birth to Indra, I also gave birth to a new self.

Eventually at my six week check up I asked my midwife about all the emotions I was feeling. She said being a mother was like having “everything a little closer to the surface.” I was thinking a lot about my mortality. No longer was I worrying about myself for my own sake, I would sit and rock her and think about how I would only know her so long. That I would miss out on her life and would find tears streaming down my face. Being a mother has made me feel in the present like never before. I will look at her face sleeping, or Ezra dancing with her, or I’ll be singing a song to her, and I’m so in love with each moment. I know that someday I’ll look back at how perfect this time was, and I feel a sense of nostalgia now, for the moment while I’m living it. Being a mother feels like a spiritual door has opened. It is a living meditation.

I weep sweet tears so often that I asked my sister-in-law about it once, worrying that maybe I was depressed. She said, “no, you’re just a mother.” This gave me a lot of comfort knowing I’m not alone in my feelings. I love my daughter so much I feel love radiate out of me – like I could break open. It makes me feel so vulnerable, to have this type of love. It’s given life so much more meaning. Ezra and I say we can’t believe how wonderful being a parent is. We can’t believe people didn’t talk about it or pressure us more to have kids. It’s like the best kept secret, although apparently, its really no secret. Or maybe being parents just suits us particularly well.

Having a daughter makes me think about the world and her place in it. I can’t hear the news or stories in the same way anymore, I’m bothered to my core. I think about the lessons I want to instill in her. How to be trusting and kind while also being strong and self-reliant. I think about my relationship with my own mother. Where we went wrong and what we did well. How will she look at me, what example do I want to set and how can I be better. I think about her in every decision I make. Being a girl means there will always be extra cautions and more to fight for. I want her to grow up feeling valued and confident and useful, and for her to feel her life has purpose. I want to give her everything.

    

Looking back at this time with her is a blur. I just remember sitting with her and studying her face. Being up at night in the soft glow of the lamp nursing and rocking and reading. It all went so fast and I suppose that will continue. If I never do anything else I am happy for this time – to be Indra’s mama. And my wish for her is that she will live her life without fear and full of wonder and be happy and fulfilled.
  

Earthside

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” – Lao Tzu

The morning of July 15th I woke early after a short and poor night sleep. It was on my mind to get to bed earlier to be rested for labor. But sleep had been elusive. I was two days past my guess date and feeling a little melancholy. I set out for an early morning walk around Bass Lake and tried not to feel down. Other women in my birth class had started having their babies and I was ready and wanted mine. As I walked, I talked to the babe, referring to him by the name we’d picked. I rubbed my stomach and told him I was ready – we loved him, please join us when he was ready. I went back up to our apartment and read a few books to my belly. This was not something I often did, but was feeling weepy and sad. I thought about taking a nap and instead made an acupuncture appointment.

Xong my acupuncturist wasn’t in that day so I saw another doctor. She didn’t know me, and was surprised when I came in asking for help inducing labor, armed with my Zuo Yuetzi books, and asking for specific herbal formulas. She hadn’t been with me thru my last trimester. She mentioned I was only two days late and may need to come back a couple more times next week. Did I still want the treatment? I was confused. Yes, why else was I there? Afterwards I left a little discouraged and went home to work on one of my continuing education courses, called Nourishing the Womb. I was learning about everything I could’ve done in my pregnancy from a Chinese medicine point of view – much of which I hadn’t done. I was also being educated on everything that could go wrong. Dismayed, and now anxious, I stopped the course and decided not to continue until after the the birth.

Ez came home and tried to cheer me up. It was a Friday, and with the weekend ahead of us, we went to Whole Foods for snacks. Postpartum I vowed a strict healthy diet and wanted to get in one more scone (a weird pregnancy obsession – as well as yogurt with granola and tons of fruit) and maybe a piece of cake. While perusing the baked goods I felt something different. Almost a heaviness in my uterus. It didn’t hurt so I tried not to focus on it. Next stop, the liquor store for Ez. I decided to pick up some fake beer, tempting labor to start. Because who else but a pregnant woman would chose to drink that swill?

As soon as we arrived home I felt the strange sensation again. This time a little stronger and I mentioned it to Ez. The first time had been around 8:30 pm and now it was 9:00. I took a shower, ate and waited to see if it would continue over the next couple hours. At 11:00 I was pretty sure this was the real deal and texted our doula, Ellee, to let her know things were starting.

I tried to sleep but it was in vain. I went into the tub, laid down, sat on the exercise ball – repeat, repeat, repeat. Eventually around 5:00 in the morning Ez noticed I wasn’t in bed and found me in the bath. I hadn’t woken him knowing labor would be long and now was the time to rest. We started timing the surges, and although a little erratic, they’d been about 5 minutes apart for about an hour. I was uncomfortable from back labor and when we called Ellee at 6:00 she told me to crawl around on my hands and knees. She said she’d come whenever I felt I needed her. Ezra was such a wonderful support, and I was doing pretty good on my own, so I continued to labor most of the morning on all fours – clutching a comb in each hand. Digging the teeth into my palms was a trick we learned in our birth class. While it didn’t help with pain, it was a distraction, and I became oddly attached to them. A little while later we called the birth center to see what we should do. Again I was told to crawl and to get our doula there. I didn’t know at the time, but all this crawling was to encourage the baby to turn, which was the cause of the back pain. Eventually it worked.

Ellee was filling in for her friend at the hospital which made me a little worried. She said she’d come as soon as she could and to eat. I’d only eaten a popsicle and some fruit – she scolded me. Ez gave me yogurt with honey and I worked on getting a protein bar down over the next six hours. Around 3:30 Ellee arrived and everything started to feel a little more real. She had me crawl and sit backwards on the toilet through a few contractions. This brought a new intensity and I found myself trying to focus my energy down and open instead of up and contracted. I tried to watch the sensations without reacting, but this was a challenge. I found my body reacting in a primal way without concern for what my mind was trying observe. Concerned by how little I’d slept the past couple days, Ellee wanted me to rest. Contractions were coming faster at this point, about every three minutes, and she wanted to slow them down. Ez and I laid together in bed and I dozed a few minutes here and there. It was a sweet respite and later Ellee said she wished she’d taken a picture of us (I wished she had too), Ezra holding me, me holding our baby. Ellee was by my side occasionally soothing me and just a comforting presence. At this point I was pretty tired and wanted to feel like I was progressing. Ellee helped to keep me focused and at home for another couple hours. A little before 6:00 she said I had that look in my eyes – I was ready to be where I’d have my baby. I was happy to hear those words. It was wonderful to labor at home for so long in privacy and relative comfort, but it was going on 20+ hours and I wanted a change. I’d found the first 12-15 hours almost enjoyable – it was exciting. I was experiencing this crazy thing my body was made for. But I was now reaching a point of exhaustion and feeling a little despondent.

Ez pulled the car out front and I was thankful to see no one in the halls or elevator. Piling in the backseat there were a few guys out on one of the balconies. I couldn’t help but wonder what they must be thinking. I guessed they were happy not to be me! The drive to the birth center felt like an eternity. Clutching a pillow and hanging awkwardly over the backseat, I hoped no one could see me. In one of our prenatal visits Ellee asked if I like to be touched or a more hands off approach when I didn’t feel well? Ez put it perfectly – I’m like a cat who wants a dark corner and to be left alone. So being out in the sunshine, contracting in traffic, was sort of my nightmare.

Once we arrived at the birth center I met Mary, the midwife-on-call. I’d met her husband a few weeks earlier when he taught me how to install our carseat. They were an inspiring couple that had lived and worked in the Philippines and India while raising their boys. They were the sort of parents that Ez and I hope to be – having meaningful life experiences and adventures, while also showing their children another way to live.

Mary examined me (the last time had been at 15 weeks) and asked if I wanted to know how dilated I was. The birth center’s standard procedures were exactly what I wanted – so my birth plan was pretty generic. Originally I didn’t want to know, in case it was discouraging. But honestly, I also just felt I should put something on my birth plan and didn’t care all that much.  So I told them to tell me – I was 7 cm, this was encouraging. Ellee didn’t tell me then, but she’d been guessing I was 6 cm. My membranes were still intact and we used a Doppler for the first time. They were readying the tub when I felt a gush of water. I couldn’t see it, but imagined it looked as comical as it felt.

Once in the tub it got a little confusing. Mary told Leah, the nurse-on-call, to come in. Ellee said if I felt like I needed to push I could try. So I pushed but it didn’t feel productive. They had me get out of the tub and said I could prop my belly in a sling to help with positioning the baby. At this point things were getting intense. Looking back I must have been transitioning. I knew I didn’t want to do this sling thing. So I laid in bed on my side with a bolster. Did I mention it was intense? I asked to try nitrous but found out why many women don’t like it. It takes awhile to find a rhythm and only works while you, yourself, hold the mask to your face. It felt like breathing through a scuba mask and it made me feel panicky – I thought I might hyperventilate. I ended up throwing it to the ground and getting back on my hands and knees. It’s supposed to take away the perception of pain, not the pain itself, but it threw me off. After trying it I was more motivated. I didn’t have it in the back of my mind as a crutch anymore. It was just me and I could do this – I had to. This was the reason I changed to a birth center.

They had me sit backwards on the toilet again. I didn’t want to, but said okay anyway, I was willing to do anything to help things progress. Using the back of a metal spatula, Mary looked every now-and-then to see if the babe was crowning. Nope nothing. She checked me again and said I was fully dilated except for just a little lip of my cervix. If I wanted she could push it aside. Again, I was sure I didn’t want her to do this, but instead I found myself telling her okay. I found myself saying “oww, oww, oww, oww.” They commented on how calm and polite I was – one of the calmest laboring women they’d had. I’m sure this was their way to make me feel good – but it worked, and somewhere in the back of my mind it made me feel capable.

Finally I felt like I needed to push, I was ready!  Back in the tub I go – fully dilated. It was go time. One of my friends told me pushing felt like reverse throwing up, and in the middle of one, I thought she was exactly right. It took a few waves to get the feel for how was most effective, but once I got it, I wanted to do it. I’d heard many women liked pushing. I wouldn’t say I was one of them. I was exhausted and wanted to be finished. But mentally I was thinking this might just never end. My back still hurt so I couldn’t lay against the tub and didn’t want to be on all fours. So I kneeled, and with each surge I tried to breath my baby down and into the world. Mary told me to feel for the head, but there was nothing at first. Then what I felt was strange, softer than I expected, so I wasn’t sure. When I heard Mary tell Ezra to get the camera (which was not charged and his phone died – luckily Ellee took these few for us) it was a surprise to me. I’d been bracing myself for each moment not thinking about the next. Not sure how I’d keep doing this while feeling capable all at the same time.

Pushing was this strange almost out of body experience. I don’t remember if it hurt. I just remember it felt like harnessing some universal power that thundered through my body as the head descended down the birth canal. The head crowned and then retreated back in. It was a very strange sensation. Another push and the head was out. I remember feeling overwhelmed at the thought of having to keep doing this, but it all happened so quickly. I don’t even really remember the final push. At 10:10 pm Mary caught our baby and I lay back and held this special little being to my chest. Ezra wanted to announce the sex. The umbilical cord and a towel were in the way, he was looking around this and that and said, “a girl?” I was utterly confused by the way he said it, like he was unsure. We’d been guessing it was a boy. I was so shocked – we had a daughter! I kissed her sweet head and just wanted to know she was healthy. Trying to look at her while keeping her close all at once. Ez and I looked at each other and couldn’t believe it, a little girl. And just like that we had our little Indra Eloise.

Immediately Indra cried – her day had been challenging too. We realized just how swollen her little face was only days later once it subsided. We sat in the tub and after 7 minutes her cord was still pulsing a little so I asked to wait. I wanted her to have every last drop of blood – it was her birth right. So we waited and then Ezra cut the cord. At the time I didn’t think about it, it was much later when it occurred to me – she would never be part of me again.

Out of the tub I was shaky and cold, and was helped to the bed to deliver my placenta (a very unusual placenta which Ellee dried and encapsulated). They massaged my uterus and stitched and cleaned me up. Meanwhile Ez held our daughter and she initiated him into fatherhood by pooping on him three times, then once on me. Indra was healthy and weighed in at 8 pounds 10 ounces and 20 inches long. We tried nursing, with a lot of helping hands, and Indra’s strong instinct to suck (and not a very good latch), it seemed like one more obstacle but we’d figure it out in time. Afterall, neither of us had done this before. Leah drew us an herbal bath and the two of us got back in, mother and daughter, and soaked together. The conclusion to the best day of my life.

At 2:00 in the morning, just four hours after her birth, we left for home in a downpour. We realized in the middle of it all there was a storm. It felt like a beautiful tribute to our little Indra who was the deity of thunder, lightening, storms and rain. She entered our lives and the world with an energy that would influence our path forever. I bore my greatest teacher.

maternity photos

“When you put your hand in a flowing stream, you touch the last that has gone before and the first of what is still to come.” – Leonardo da Vinci

I am at the pinnacle of my pregnancy heading towards what I suspect will be the most spectacular moment in this life. Soon I am crossing over the precipice to become a mother. I have spent my pregnancy in relative ease and am grateful for the sheer experience of it. I want to capture some of the feelings before I forget them, as I’m sure it will fade with the new tasks of motherhood. 

My first signs of pregnancy were just a little weepiness followed with a bout of queasiness at a fish market. Soon after I felt a to-the-bone tiredness but that faded by the end of the first trimester. I didn’t realize I was pregnant until about 2 months in – the night before a month-long meditation retreat. I was in a state of disbelief with how fortunate we were that this pregnancy happened so quickly – we had only tried once. I had hoped to be pregnant on this retreat and marvelled at how it’d happened just as we’d wished. I immediately started preparing my body and my mindset shifted. Nothing was just about me anymore and I welcomed it whole-heartedly. 

As my belly was just beginning to swell around the 15th and 16th week mark I thought I felt movement. I’d been on the watch for it but wasn’t sure if it was just my imagination. By the 18th week I was fairly confidant and by the end of the 19th week Ezra thought he could feel the baby too. Around this time our little babe was moving regularly, mostly at night, but now also in the morning. At 22 wks Ez finally felt a good swift kick. Strangers were just starting to comment on my pregnancy and it made me happy that my transformation was now obvious. 

At 23 weeks, I wanted to switch from a hospital to a birth center for delivery. Thus far I had declined anything more than weight checks, routine blood work and the use of a fetoscope. So while I had not wished to have an ultrasound it became necessary to be sure we were low risk. It was this ultrasound that finally made the baby seem real. To see it move and watch the heartbeat, even though I’d still not heard it, was surreal. Afterwards I bought my own fetoscope so I could hear the fluttering anytime I wanted.  The second trimester is called the honeymoon period of pregnancy and I felt strong and healthy. Some nights I felt a little restlessness in my leg which was an annoyance, but otherwise it was all good and the baby kept growing.

 Nearing the end of this pregnancy I started to feel more discomfort. Normal movements became more of an effort. Walking was tiresome and my feet hurt. I found myself bumping my belly into things forgetting how large it’d gotten. I would sleep with 3-4 pillows to find some comfort, propping up this part to keep that bit at a better angle. Anytime I’d want to turn over I’d have to mentally brace myself for the extra exertion. Normally a late eater I had to give myself 5 hours before bed to digest. Otherwise I’d bolt upright multiple times, my last meal threatening to come back up.

My belly was full and hard and we were both running out of room those last weeks. I’d feel the little butt under my right ribs and feet kick off to the left. Hands would flutter by my pelvis and I felt the bambino’s hiccups more regularly. There were some very strong movements a week before my due date and it made me worried. I broke out the fetoscope to make sure it wasn’t now breech. During this time I talked to the baby more and played music – pop seemed to get the most action. I kept massaging my big belly and started to feel more and more connected. We’d gotten it into our heads we were having a boy and focused our energy on narrowing down those names. Girl names came more easily and we decided on one as a backup, just in case. 

I was emotional that last trimester. I knew life was about to change and was excited for it but also a little sad that this phase was about to end. I loved being pregnant and perhaps realized it even more afterwards. It was a beautiful time in my life. A golden moment that passed quickly.

spring showers

“Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.” – Abe Lincoln

Back in Minnesota I was adjusting my attitude towards the idea of living in the Midwest. I’ve known disappointment plenty of times in my life but for some reason this was especially difficult for me. Not normally a crier, this became a new part-time hobby. Looking for apartments made me cry. Ezra accepting job interviews made me cry. It wouldn’t take much to set me off. Not wanting to be so affected by my emotions I made a conscious effort to shift my attitude and short-term (dear god please) expectations. 

So we found an apartment, I set up a little balcony garden and enjoyed the pool once it was warm enough. I dove into finishing my Shiatsu CEs to keep up my certification, and we went thru our garage and sold, donated and organized much of what was in storage collecting dust. And I started to nest in our little one bedroom abode.

I started shifting my thoughts towards motherhood. We took a birth class that was incredibly eye opening and transformative in our preparation for childbirth. It was this class that convinced me to switch my care to the MN Birth Center. Back in January was the first time we attempted orientation, but there was a fire alarm that set off the sprinklers and thus it was cancelled. The second time we got a flat tire on the way. For awhile I gave up on it thinking maybe these were signs. Our class made me realize I should give it one more try and it ended up being one of best decisions I’ve ever made. This was where my wishes would align with the care I would receive. So while I hadn’t planned to get one – I scheduled an ultrasound and sent all my records to show we were low risk. We wanted minimal intervention and so at 23 weeks we saw the baby for the first time and watched the heart beating. Forgoing dopplers for fetoscope, we’d still not heard the heartbeat. So it was a surreal and profound moment. There really was a baby in there and I was a mother.

Twenty-three weeks

In Iowa with the original mother.

Being silly!

On the upside of being in the Twin Cities (and if I’m being fair there are many) was being around family who was very supportive and excited for us. We visited Ez’s parents a couple times and my sister for Easter.

What happens when Uncle Ez comes for a visit.

Twenty-six weeks

Birthday for Soren!

 Our families threw a couple of fun showers with all the silly games and tasty treats. Everyone made us feel so special and cared for. We received so much support and gifts for the babe. My sister calls it the modern day equivalent to living in a village – looking out for the mother-to-be. I love thinking of it this way. 

What happens when a boy attends an all girl shower.

My parents had wanted to take us out for an engagement dinner back in the day, but because we had a very short engagement it never happened. So instead a year-and-a-half later they took us all out to celebrate the baby. It’s not often that we’re all together!

The kids loved the “baby sake,” otherwise known as Sprite.

Listening with my fetoscope to the baby’s heartbeat.

Twenty-nine weeks

Another shower with Iowa family!

Spring has sprung!

View behind our apartment. We literally live on the other side of the tracks.

Our dear friend Chris (affectionately known as AK47) whom we met in Malawi arrived back to the US and his first stop was in Minneapolis for a conference. So very serendipitous how to world works some times. So he stayed with us for a night and we heard about the rest of his travels and future plans.

Always a pleasure to hang with my nephews and stuff our faces with frozen yogurt. Indulging my pregnancy sweet tooth.

Birthdays and the beginning of summer!

There are no words needed for this picture. This is just how Levi rolls.

Thirty-two weeks

Thirty-three weeks

One more trip to Champaign before the baby comes. Memorial day weekend! I was feeling particularly lazy on this trip and took lots of naps. We did make it to the lake but you wouldn’t catch me swimming in this freezing water. Kids are crazy!

Thirty-four weeks

Soren’s 5th grade graduation!!

My Aunt asked to take a few maternity pictures of us. We were given quite the photo shoot.

Thirty-five weeks

Thirty-six weeks

Thirty-seven weeks

While it was a hard few months for both of us transitioning in so many emotional and physical ways (and trying to be supportive and positive for Ez who was working a crazy 75 hours a week), it was also an incredibly spiritual time. It was a time to practice acceptance and gratitude. I may not have always done this with grace but I made an effort to be happy. After all, I had a special being growing in me, a loving family, my health and the ability to transform my thoughts. If only I’d try.

Thirty-eight weeks

Thirty-nine weeks

Preparing for Zuo Yuezi (aka: Sitting Moon). Cooking up congee, soups and healing herbal decoctions for the month after labor.

Three days to go…

Just waiting now…

July 15th – two days late and the night I go into labor

home for the summer

“The wound is just where light enters the body.” – Rumi

I was excitedly anticipating being home for the summer. Initially the thought was for one month, maybe a little longer, to really visit with family and friends. However this turned into almost 2.5 months and was nothing we anticipated. In some regards it was the best few months and in others some of the most trying. I left feeling drained and sad and also grateful for the moments of what felt like grace.

My summer garden.

It was truly a summer of family. I arrived home to my grandpa in the hospital and my grandma’s health slipping quickly away from us. I am grateful for all the time I spent with them and for the overnights with my grandma. Waking up at their house and being able to help in the small ways felt like such a gift. When my grandma passed I was rubbing her head, kissed her and said “I love you.” She was in her home surrounded by all the people who loved her. It was a sacred moment and a privilege to be present with her as she passed thru what will follow for us all. On my wedding day she told me that she loved me from her ancestral soul. And I her. I loved her deeply and I felt this loss deeply.

memorial flowers for my grandma 

 

There was joy this summer too. My baby sister got married and she looked beautiful and glowed with happiness on her momentous day. Leading up to the event were showers and rehearsals and her Hen party. It was a fun couple weeks!

wine tasting and bra pong.

   

gorgeous, huh?

The rest of the summer was a bit of a whirlwind. We were a little untethered and felt adrift between multiple cities and states. It felt like every couple of days we were in a new bed. I loved spending so much time with everyone. Though there was very little time for anything else. And while we left thoroughly exhausted, we felt we squeezed the most out of each moment and reconnected to the ones we love the most!

A week at the lake!

   Breaking in to the old apartment!

A visit to Champaign, Illinois followed by a detour to Indiana Dunes National Lakeshore.

Little gamers.

We spent some wonderful time with Ezra’s parents and our nephews in Iowa. Ez also went on a trip with his brother Josh to Ireland. But because I was not on this trip he’ll have to document it sometime in the future. Meanwhile I had great chats with my sister-in-law Jill and fun overnights. Somehow we did not take any pictures?!? Jill, we need to work on this!

Homemade cherry pie and tofurkey dogs – the tastes of summer!

  Road trippin’ back to Minneapolis.

Birthday cake and getting ready for our trip!

Finished off the summer repairing our house’s sidewalk, taking in a Twin’s game, birthday shopping with my mama and holding Olive my cousin’s Bearded Dragon.

  

I happened across this gem and just have to share it. Love the hair and outfits!