“Silence is an answer too.”
We came back to Nepal with the sole purpose of spending a month back at the Kopan Monastery in a retreat known as the November Course. We arrived on the last night of Diwali and could see the city lit up from the dark sky. This was unusual in part due to routine electric outages and the fuel crisis which were pervading and further depressing the country. Add this to the devastation from the earthquake and you have a disaster. So it was surprising but lovely to see that Nepalis were still able to find a way to celebrate.
Arriving back in Nepal felt like a breath of fresh air. If you’ve ever been to Kathmandu, this is a funny statement because the air is thick with pollution. You can never escape the veil of dust and fumes. But immediately, I’m struck by how soft people talk and their calm and (no it’s not everyone) how peaceful people seem in their lives of faith and purpose and devotion. I felt self-conscious and brash and loud and over-anxious. I felt a little lost. When we were last here we’d been traveling for over a year and I had settled into a routine of living a simple life and I suppose a calm. What a juxtaposition – I hadn’t realized how much of that feeling I’d lost.
With one day before our class we walked around Boudha and gathered supplies and warm clothes to get us thru the month in the cooler climate and early mornings. That night as I was sharing a beer with Ez is occurred to me that maybe I should take a pregnancy test. We had just started trying and I assumed it would take some time, but little pieces of the last few weeks starting clicking in to place. The extra emotions, the tiredness, the nausea I felt at the fish market in Dubai. In a sort of disbelief I went into the bathroom, took the test and walked out with what looked like a positive result. But it wasn’t totally clear. The next morning I took it again with the same result, but this time feeling it was positive.
When we planned this recent trip we had discussed volunteering and trying to get pregnant before going to the monastery. I felt like we called this into being by simply speaking the wish aloud and in our hearts. It felt surreal and like an omen that the beginning of this new little life would be in the surrounds of such a peaceful setting. I had new inspiration to work on my myself – to align my mind with my heart and prepare for what changes lay ahead.
Our time at the monastery was deeply personal and I don’t wish to belittle it with quips or stories or try to make it or myself sound more grand and spiritual that it was. It was a month of tough work, reflection, boredom, tiredness and overall beauty. I took refuge at Kopan in every sense of the word. And I felt grateful for having my life intersect with so many new intentional people.
We often say this baby must have good karma to have been conceived in Malawi while we were doing work we loved and found meaningful. Then being in the presence and energy of Lama Zopa Rinpoche’s teachings. I feel so grateful that my baby spent some of it’s first weeks in such a powerful spiritual place. As LZR (what Ez and I call him for short) would say “wow wow wow wow, amazing amazing amazing.” Or something to that effect anyway.
A month passed quickly and as we said our goodbyes there was a sadness but also excitement as we headed to a clinic to finally confirm the pregnancy. When the results came back I cried, and I felt a closeness to Ezra as we hugged for what was one of the first times this past month. We were adjusting back to a life outside a monastery, reconnecting with each other and now connecting with this little being growing inside my belly.
We spent our last few days in Kathmandu with our dear friend Bill. We met him in the Philippines and now spent time with him here walking around and catching up on life and trying not to get run over or run down by all the traffic. And then we readied ourselves to go back home. The next step unknown.