Spring in the Cities

“Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?” – Rumi

This post is honestly just for Ez and me. I’m putting it together almost a year later. This was a difficult time in our lives and I lost interest in this blog. After Laurie passed we decided to pack up our apartment in Minneapolis and Alexandria and move to Iowa to be with Dave. I was quite alright leaving Alexandria but Minneapolis was challenging for me. I had so many memories there because of Indra and our place was just starting to feel like home. This was a time of nostalgia and sadness. I just wanted a place to put together pictures so that I could remember some of the sweetness as well.
I never took Indra to a photographer for 3, 6 and 9 month pictures. So every few months I’d try to capture some of her sweetness on my own.Celebrating Ezra’s cousin’s wedding. Indra loved all the attention from family and the dancing!

Daddy-daughter dance : )

Just hangin’ out and playing at Nana and Papa’s.

We made a concerted effort around this time to spend more time together as a family. Walks in the evening and grabbing a drink or food. At one point Indra actually liked avocados (in the form of guacamole) but this crazy kid has since changed her mind.Imbibing in our drink of choice at our neighborhood brewery.The day before Mother’s Day I got four hours to myself. It was magical. I got a massage and drank green juice and sat on our balcony and (almost) didn’t know what to do with myself! Ez took Indra out to watch one of the boys’ soccer games.Mmmm, she makes that food look good.My first Mother’s Day! Walk around the lake with coffee, a hillbilly pool on our balcony and a picnic at the park. What more could you want?Naked cuteness. Indra, not Ezra!Say “cheeseballs!” Checking out the rain.10 months!Cousins!Indra’s first professional soccer game. Not a fan of all the noise.Just wanting to remember what our apartment looked like.Loves climbing on the gate and looking outside.Enjoying Lake Harriet.
Sometimes I get sad thinking about how this sweet cuddliness will end all too soon. So I take pictures to remember this sweet chubbiness. Do you think these were posed? Ez was a little bit reluctant, I think he would have preferred to actually nap, but I wanted some photos of these two before Father’s Day. He may have fallen asleep while I was taking these.They have a coffee date on the mornings I sleep in. They’re regulars.At the zoo, watching the monkeys.This may be my favorite picture of the two of us.
Indra’s favorite book.Eating Nana’s camera.
Upgraded from our hillbilly pool.How is she almost a year?
Babes, brews and books.
Don’t let this picture fool you. She absolutely hates being in the crib. We pretty much use it for decoration.Helping me pack.One of our last trips up to Alexandria. Thank god.First Carousel ride, despite the smile, she was a little freaked.A trip with Nana to the conservatory followed by a sleepover!
May not be a five star hotel, but it’s a bed.New carseat! Such a big girl.My daughter, who needs to touch at all times.
11 months!We all went to Iowa for Laurie’s birthday. We spread some of her ashes around the yard and in her gardens. When we were finished this butterfly came and landed on all of us individually on the deck. She stayed with us for about 45 minutes. Even flying with us as we walked across the yard to the tree we planted for Laurie. It was one of the strangest and most beautiful things I’ve ever witnessed. Almost packed up.Pals
Low key first Father’s Day.

Poor Diesel is not doing very well. Indra was one of his only sources of joy.

Since our bed is packed and we’re sleeping on the floor, it’s hard to keep this one in bed. Sneaking off the read books. Stinker.Picnic on the dock. Enjoying one of our last family strolls around the lake before we move.Indra’s friends from the birth class and ECFE.

Feeling so damn nostalgic, which is not usually how I roll. Taking a last walk on the trail with Indra.

Getting ready to check-out for good. Last nap, last bath, last glance at our empty apartment. This is where I labored and brought my baby home. 
Diesel is not doing good. Ezra went and bought just about every kind of food available trying to tempt him to eat.Although this time was melancholy, having family around made all the difference. Letting go can be hard and moving forward some times looks a little different than what you imagined.

First Winter

“Of this be sure: you do not find the happy life, you make it.” -Monson

 

Winter has always been the season I dread and complain about all year long. It can be the middle of summer, but on occasion, you can still catch me whining about the upcoming cold. Not exactly a positive outlook. The past couple winters we’d managed to escape the most frigid months and so this winter I was trying to prepare myself. This time I had a new baby and we were driving every week, two hours north, to an even colder climate. I am writing this after the fact, and so my memory may be skewed, but I think we did pretty good. Perhaps it was the excitement of being a new mom or just being busy with this role, that did not allow me the luxury to think about it too much.

 

We decided to take a trip to Des Moines to visit Ezra’s grandma, whom we hadn’t seen in quite a long time. It ended up being fortuitous timing. When we arrived we learned her health and just started to fail and we were grateful to get a few precious hours with her before she passed the following week. She was a woman with strength, courage and kindness. Her family only had the utmost respect for her and the stories were ones that made you realize how rare she was. It was special to have her and Indra meet, as they were passing through different phases of life.

In early January Indra started rolling over like crazy. I think she just needed to gain the confidence and motivation. She loved when we’d clap for her and smiles really big, which may be why she is rolling so much! She is getting more coordinated and observant. Watching my hair blow and when nursing helps to get everything situated and to her mouth.

My mom started coming up one day a week to watch Indra for a couple hours. I could go have a couple hours to myself, but it was hard for me. At first I’d only leave for an hour but eventually that time increased. It was good for the two of them to spend time together and bond as well.

Getting out and soaking up all the green and humidity at the conservatory.Why do I have a Christmas picture in here? Well, I made this little tutu and forgot about it. By the time I realized it it was after the New Year. The tree was still up so… why not? My little sugar plum ferry.Six months old! Sweet and chunky as ever! Nene and Indra hanging out.Getting some Diesel cuddles. Also know as cheating on tummy time.

Funerals are always an unfortunate reason for a family gathering, but it was nice to be around everyone who loved Grandma Dorothy and to celebrate her life.

Indra’s first teeth broke through on January 20th. She hadn’t seemed too bothered all except for an alarming amount of poop and blowouts! She’d also been tired but not sleeping very well. It could’ve been from all the traveling down to Iowa, or teething. I’m not sure. I also noticed her hair starting to get a little thicker and she’s been raising her arms to be picked up when I come over to her. She moves them really excitedly, we call it the little fish! 

Having a daughter makes me so conscious of the inequality in the world and our society. Ezra and I took her to the Women’s March. We want her to grow up feeling strong, capable and able to speak up. Having a child makes you so much more aware of your own behavior and actions. If we want equality, we need to stand up for it. She makes me laugh. Recently she tried eating/kissing my cheek. And sometimes she snorts when she laughs! Here she is, such a helper with the laundry.

This next month I noticed some new tricks. She does this thrashing thing with her head, I guess she’s figured out its attached to her!  She’s starting to grab at Diesel more roughly, but he doesn’t seem to care too much. It makes me nervous though because he’s old, but he’s patient. She put his ear in her mouth and then tried for his tail. I think I got it before it completely went in but his tail was pretty wet. I was pretty grossed out!

Grandma and Grandpa babysat so we could have a date night. We weren’t really in the mood and didn’t have anything planned, so we grabbed a bite and then just walked around a liquor store nearby our apartment. I refused to go back after just one hour, so we killed a little time. I know, so romantic. haha.

She’s starting to hit her music box and figure out that it will play. Grandma is such a patient teacher.Snuggling with Papa.

Ever the cautious mom, I made Indra wait about 7 months to have solids. She didn’t seem that interested so I didn’t feel rushed. I kept trying to remember that “food before one is just for fun.” She finally got some delicious sweet potato mash in her mouth and was less than impressed. Modeling her pretty outfit from Grandma!
Little winter bunny.Riding in the shopping cart for the first time at Joann’s… such a big girl!Cuddling with Nana while she babysat. Nana dressed her up in some of her old baby clothes.I love watching these two snuggle together. Ezra is such a good dad.I mean, like the very best Celebrating Valentine’s at Chevy’s was a little overwhelming for this tired one. Lately when she’s overstimulated or exhausted, it’s like all of a sudden she can’t keep it together anymore, her face will just crumple up and she’ll start crying. She bit Nana on the nose too! It’s not just you mom, she just bit me on the nipple for the first time.

She’s starting to give lots of kisses. I got like five in a row  – open mouthed, a little tongue, and slobbery but pretty sweet! She loves giving Soren kisses, she always goes right in for a smooch with him! Unfortunately, she cried when she saw Josh, which is the first time she’s had any sort of stranger anxiety. Hopefully it’ll pass quickly.

I’m trying to get pictures of her every three months or so. It’s so hard for me to notice the little changes because I see her every day. Ez will be gone for a few days and then comment on how different she looks. It sort of blows me away, because I can never tell. Plus, I have a horrible memory, so I figure it will be fun to look back and remember how little and sweet she is.  These are about 7-month old pictures, I must have missed my 6-month reminder.           

 

Trying to get her attached to this bunny. It was her birth gift from Ezra and I. It’s an organic handmade bunny made by a family in a lovely hamlet in Germany. Basically it was super expensive and I want her to love it!

This picture was totally posed! She did not fall asleep with the bunny like this! haha.

Sometimes when she’s asleep I’m torn as to whether I want to snuggle her, nap or go take a few minutes for myself. Napping usually wins out, but not today, it’s photoshoot day.

Celebrating her first Valentine’s day. Ez was gone so we celebrated a day late, but no matter!Her delicious new book from our Hawaiian friend.7-month old pictures!Absolutely beautiful weather in February calls for a walk by the lake.

I took Indra on her first flight, solo. It was a rough day. What should have been a short flight to Champaign took us about 10 hours and we both ended up with a cold… her first cold with a low-grade fever, congestion and cough. It was pretty horrible. I was worried to be away from Ez and her doctor. I felt like I didn’t know what I was doing. Sammy was helpful in calming my anxiousness and helping me to know what was normal. We got very little sleep these few days, but I’m still glad we went and visited my sister.  

There’s nothing better than cousins, except perhaps matching cousins!
A lot of love going on in this picture.We went to the park one day and she sat in a swing for about 30 seconds, she wasn’t into it.I remember when Zoe was this little and I would give her baths. Where did the time go?

Thankfully the return flight went much more smoothly. No delays, no missed flights, no rude airline attendants. It was such a relief to return home to Ez. We all missed each other.

All of a sudden Indra seemed to change, even though its hard to pinpoint how exactly. More of her personality is coming out and she seem less like a baby. She’s funny and plays a lot with her toys, she likes hitting blocks together. Ez thought she started looking different too – more defined features. She’s talking a lot saying “mamamamama” and “bah bah.” When she’s really tired she’ll cry dramatically and then just stop, nurse and fall asleep. 

           I’m biased of course, but I think she is just the sweetest.

Indra’s has been a little more attached lately, needing extra comfort and touch. She always sleeps with her legs on top of mine, but lately she’s been sort of crying in her sleep. She gets up in the middle of the night then wakes every hour whimpering. She also did this during her 4 month sleep regression. I’m wondering whats happening in that little body of hers.

Ever since she was little, she’ll smiles up at you and sort of blink her eyes. It’s pretty cute.

    Ever the sense of humor with this one!She just noticed she can see me by turning around in her carseat if I peak over at her. This seems to bring her a lot of comfort. All of a sudden it seems like she knows her name too… at least sometimes.  She’s lunging forward – not crawling yet, but she’s getting close. She ends up on her belly and will sometimes move side to side with her arms. She thinks touching noses is funny and  loves watching me stick out my tongue. She’s trying to do it too. She squawks at me when she wants to be picked up and held, and when she’s excited she’ll raise her hands up and flail them. 

I woke up and saw these two dancing to “Landslide.” This is one of my favorite pictures and moments captured. It gave me such a sense of melancholy. Being a mom makes you realize how fleeting it all is.Learning to drink from a straw.Hey mom, I’m just loungin’.Sitting for snack at ECFE.My baby is 8 months old. How can that be?Other tricks – she’s trying out a new laugh and a cluck/tsking noise. Cords, phones and computers are the bomb. She loves them. She says hi, but it sounds like “heee” and she’s trying out “dada.” It also looked like she waved, but sometimes I wonder “did she?”

Uh, why is this guy holding me? A little nervous around Papa these days.

She’s been lifting her arms up and grabbed Nana’s hands to be pulled up. She tried to pull herself up on the bed rail too. She’s going to be mobile before I know it.

She’s a little weary of guys right now, especially those with facial hair. It’s pretty scary!She sits and clicks, she just loves clicking her tongue.   

Indra likes to lay back and lean against me sometimes. She is starting to act like a kid. Her milk sign is looking more and more like a milk sign. She got upset when I stopped nursing her to cook. She fussed at me and then made the sign twice very clearly. I’ve been doing baby led weaning although it makes me a little nervous and trying to get her to drink from a real glass, she’s pretty good until she decided to dump it all over.

 She’s been ducking her head and looking sideways at things quizzically and sits with her legs in a V shape and kind of taps her feet playing around.Reaching out for Nana and it made her day!When she’s nursing sometimes she’ll grab my hand and hold it.I know these days of her sleeping in my arms are numbered. I gave her broccoli this week. Mmm, you just suck on it right?

 It’s been hard getting Indra down for naps and bed lately – she’s not quite ready to drop a nap but its at the point where its about every other day. She’s been getting really wild at bedtime. She’ll make a “bah bah bah bah bah” sound or start clicking. That’s when I know she’s getting close to sleep. She also discovered she can fake cry. Like a newborn fake cry. It’s horrible. Her eyes will even get red so its really hard to tell if its real. But she can turn it off in an instant – I’m not a fan.

 Birth class playdate!

She’s starting to make a blowing sounds.       

 The weather is finally nice and so we’re going out for walks! It’s fun to all go out together! We also just discovered Indra has two more teeth up top.

Indra loves kids, she starts clapping her hands she gets so excited. I feel bad that I don’t have more kids for her to be around. Driving back to Mpls I saw her clapping and practicing the milk sign in the mirror. She’s also getting better control of her body. She fell backwards but did it in slow motion and caught herself on her elbows. She propped herself up on her hands from her tummy and it seems like its clicking that she needs to get her legs under her. She laughed when she saw me watching her, she was really proud of herself. She’s not quite crawling yet, but literally any moment!

Jill noticed a third tooth poking through up top and then we noticed a fourth the next day. Just hanging with the boys.Grandma was teaching Indra patty cake and spoiling with gifts. She really started clapping after all the practicing.Grandma and Grandpa let us out on another date! I had a Martini in the afternoon… what a treat.

It’s almost too much for me to write, but this was the last day we saw Laurie and the last good picture I have of Indra with her Grandma. I suppose I am writing about Indra mostly in this post because the winter was challenging and while I didn’t really enjoy it, nothing much happened either. Ez and I were apart a lot because of bad driving conditions. We were looking at a new apartment in Alexandria trying to make the situation better for me and Indra. This last weekend we spent with Laurie and Dave.Last few days of blissful existence before all of our lives would change.A dad and his sweet girl.

 

First Fall

“Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life.” -Naeem Callaway

Indra is three months old now and so much has changed. I’m feeling more secure in this new role. I’m making mom friends and joined an ECFE class. Because we don’t know how to keep things simple, Ez took a job in Alexandria, which means a two hour commute back-and-forth every week. Indra has a hard time in the car, so for the two of us, this was a three to four hour drive. After all, it takes some time to stop and shed tears together! There were weeks we were unable to go to Alexandria, so with some trepidation, I stayed home alone with a three-month old. Despite these obstacles we are hoping for the best, grateful that Ezra had this opportunity, and know we were working towards our future. Living in a one bedroom and taking this job was for a purpose. We were working towards our dream, and that dream was now even more important with a baby.

Birth Class friends

Not a fan of tummy time, but more enjoyable at ECFE.
Fall photos at Nana and Papa’s.
  This little chick’s first time trick-or-treating!    In just this one month Indra changed so much. She became so observant and aware. She’d watch me eat pineapple is complete fascination, or watch feathers above her swaying, or notice Diesel walking by. She began to hold on to things. She likes to stand and started to put her hands on my face. When I’d say “kiss” she opens her mouth. She’s wants to be more mobile, trying to roll over and scoot out of her chair. She did finally complete a roll from back to front! She does the boat pose which everyone finds hilarious. It’s her pilates move. She has a crazy strong core and will lift both legs up and slap them down, like a whale tale. She is starting to grasp at her toys and holds rattles and found her thumb. She makes this “kheeee” sound. She slept in a crib for the first time! She started a sleep regression. She got sick for the first time – just a low-grade fever but enough to freak me out. She does a little fishy move with her arms. She holds onto me when she nurses and makes a “hmmmm mmmm mmm” sound. She likes to scratch at the mesh in her bassinet and loves the Regalo label on the toddler rail. She notices everything! 

Buds

But the best change is seeing more and more of her personality coming out. We’re starting to see who she really is. She is the happiest baby. Everyone, and I mean everyone, comments on it – strangers, relatives, friends, everyone. When someone smiles she smiles back, its just an automatic reaction. Her eyes light up and a smile flashes across her face. Even when she’s tired she will (almost) always reward you with a sweet smile. Even Diesel is drawn to her. A grumpy old cat that seeks her out. As soon as we lay her down, he runs across the room and plops down next to her. He loves to nuzzle her with his head or place his paw on her.
A collage of friendship!

First time volunteering at ARC! Dancing and doing affirmations in the mirror.
Four months – how did that happen! Thanksgiving – BonEash style.   As her mom, I want to remember everything. But since I have a bad memory I need pictures. I even want to remember her sad and tired faces. 

I always thought it sounded so cliché, but seriously where has the time gone? Every moment feels like such a gift, I try to focus on how lucky I am to have this precious time, not on how fleeting it is. Its like a mandala, these beautiful little moments that I can’t hang on to. They’re impermanent. Being a mother makes me in the moment like I’ve never been before.Just snapshots of our days.
Hanging out at Target. No crying and just chilling in the cart to her white noise.

Its official, Indra is a snuggler. She never wants to be put down. Carry her, wear her, lay down with her, its all fine. We traded the bassinet for the crib, but she still sleeps with us. I worried for awhile about doing everything all wrong. Then I read something that resonated with me – babies were happier when worn and slept with their parents. I decided right then and there that I would just go with my intuition and take her lead. My goal as a mother is for Indra to trust me. So much development is happening in her brain these first three years, I want those happy neurological pathways to be formed and reinforced! If my tiny baby wants touch and reassurance, well then I am happy to give it to her. No more second guessing and questioning.  It seems to make us all happy. In our ECFE class Ezra and I said our favorite moment is when Indra wakes up and looks between the two of us and just smiles. We’re a little unit of love and happiness.

Hanging out by the lake in Alexandria. Trying to soak in some sun and good spirits.
Hey look, I have a thumb!A sunny fall weekend with Grandma and Grandpa. Time to buy a crib! Officially outgrown the bassinet she never sleep in. We don’t want to say goodbye.

Baby cage!

First time voting – We’re With Her! One of our favorite pastimes is simplifying and minimizing. During this pursuit we found some technology from the past. Sambusa Sunday with the Somalian community. Showing our support!I don’t like tummy time, but I can’t help but smile anyway!

 So happy to see my Illinois cousins!  First grainy Thanksgiving family picture!Grandma’s girl Because baby butts are cute… and funny. Bathtime!