sitting moon

“Let your life being a painting, let you life be a poem.” – Osho

The month following birth I observed sitting moon. Four weeks that were the best gift I could’ve ever given myself. Four weeks of staying home and adjusting to motherhood, resting and healing and bonding with this little human that was now in our lives. The only exception was Indra’s doctor appointments. Otherwise, we only accepted a few visitors. I rested and stayed warm, ate healing foods and cuddled with our little darling. I’m lucky to have such a supportive partner in Ezra. Without him, this time would not have been possible. In this month we really became a family and learned so much more about each other.

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The weeks after childbirth were a fragile and transformative time. I felt fierce and soft – I spent almost every minute with her cradled in my arms. There were things I was really unprepared for, I was surprised in how giving birth to Indra, I also gave birth to a new self.

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Eventually at my six week check up I asked my midwife about all the emotions I was feeling. She said being a mother was like having “everything a little closer to the surface.” I was thinking a lot about my mortality. No longer was I worrying about myself for my own sake, I would sit and rock her and think about how I would only know her so long. That I would miss out on her life and would find tears streaming down my face. Being a mother has made me feel in the present like never before. I will look at her face sleeping, or Ezra dancing with her, or I’ll be singing a song to her, and I’m so in love with each moment. I know that someday I’ll look back at how perfect this time was, and I feel a sense of nostalgia now, for the moment while I’m living it. Being a mother feels like a spiritual door has opened. It is a living meditation.

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I weep sweet tears so often that I asked my sister-in-law about it once, worrying that maybe I was depressed. She said, “no, you’re just a mother.” This gave me a lot of comfort knowing I’m not alone in my feelings. I love my daughter so much I feel love radiate out of me – like I could break open. It makes me feel so vulnerable, to have this type of love. It’s given life so much more meaning. Ezra and I say we can’t believe how wonderful being a parent is. We can’t believe people didn’t talk about it or pressure us more to have kids. It’s like the best kept secret, although apparently, its really no secret. Or maybe being parents just suits us particularly well.

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Having a daughter makes me think about the world and her place in it. I can’t hear the news or stories in the same way anymore, I’m bothered to my core. I think about the lessons I want to instill in her. How to be trusting and kind while also being strong and self-reliant. I think about my relationship with my own mother. Where we went wrong and what we did well. How will she look at me, what example do I want to set and how can I be better. I think about her in every decision I make. Being a girl means there will always be extra cautions and more to fight for. I want her to grow up feeling valued and confident and useful, and for her to feel her life has purpose. I want to give her everything.

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Looking back at this time with her is a blur. I just remember sitting with her and studying her face. Being up at night in the soft glow of the lamp nursing and rocking and reading. It all went so fast and I suppose that will continue. If I never do anything else I am happy for this time – to be Indra’s mama. And my wish for her is that she will live her life without fear and full of wonder and be happy and fulfilled.
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One thought on “sitting moon

  1. Oh Angie and Ezra, Such beautiful precious pictures! Your little darling is going to be everything you wish for her because she is loved to her core. Thank you for sharing your story. I am in love with Indra too!

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