July | 2016 | cultivating joy

“When you put your hand in a flowing stream, you touch the last that has gone before and the first of what is still to come.” – Leonardo da Vinci

I am at the pinnacle of my pregnancy heading towards what I suspect will be the most spectacular moment in this life. Soon I am crossing over the precipice to become a mother. I have spent my pregnancy in relative ease and am grateful for the sheer experience of it. I want to capture some of the feelings before I forget them, as I’m sure it will fade with the new tasks of motherhood.

My first signs of pregnancy were just a little weepiness followed with a bout of queasiness at a fish market. Soon after I felt a to-the-bone tiredness but that faded by the end of the first trimester. I didn’t realize I was pregnant until about 2 months in – the night before a month-long meditation retreat. I was in a state of disbelief with how fortunate we were that this pregnancy happened so quickly – we had only tried once. I had hoped to be pregnant on this retreat and marvelled at how it’d happened just as we’d wished. I immediately started preparing my body and my mindset shifted. Nothing was just about me anymore and I welcomed it whole-heartedly.

As my belly was just beginning to swell around the 15th and 16th week mark I thought I felt movement. I’d been on the watch for it but wasn’t sure if it was just my imagination. By the 18th week I was fairly confidant and by the end of the 19th week Ezra thought he could feel the baby too. Around this time our little babe was moving regularly, mostly at night, but now also in the morning. At 22 wks Ez finally felt a good swift kick. Strangers were just starting to comment on my pregnancy and it made me happy that my transformation was now obvious.

At 23 weeks, I wanted to switch from a hospital to a birth center for delivery. Thus far I had declined anything more than weight checks, routine blood work and the use of a fetoscope. So while I had not wished to have an ultrasound it became necessary to be sure we were low risk. It was this ultrasound that finally made the baby seem real. To see it move and watch the heartbeat, even though I’d still not heard it, was surreal. Afterwards I bought my own fetoscope so I could hear the fluttering anytime I wanted. The second trimester is called the honeymoon period of pregnancy and I felt strong and healthy. Some nights I felt a little restlessness in my leg which was an annoyance, but otherwise it was all good and the baby kept growing.

Nearing the end of this pregnancy I started to feel more discomfort. Normal movements became more of an effort. Walking was tiresome and my feet hurt. I found myself bumping my belly into things forgetting how large it’d gotten. I would sleep with 3-4 pillows to find some comfort, propping up this part to keep that bit at a better angle. Anytime I’d want to turn over I’d have to mentally brace myself for the extra exertion. Normally a late eater I had to give myself 5 hours before bed to digest. Otherwise I’d bolt upright multiple times, my last meal threatening to come back up.

My belly was full and hard and we were both running out of room those last weeks. I’d feel the little butt under my right ribs and feet kick off to the left. Hands would flutter by my pelvis and I felt the bambino’s hiccups more regularly. There were some very strong movements a week before my due date and it made me worried. I broke out the fetoscope to make sure it wasn’t now breech. During this time I talked to the baby more and played music – pop seemed to get the most action. I kept massaging my big belly and started to feel more and more connected. We’d gotten it into our heads we were having a boy and focused our energy on narrowing down those names. Girl names came more easily and we decided on one as a backup, just in case.

I was emotional that last trimester. I knew life was about to change and was excited for it but also a little sad that this phase was about to end. I loved being pregnant and perhaps realized it even more afterwards. It was a beautiful time in my life. A golden moment that passed quickly.

“Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.” – Abe Lincoln

Back in Minnesota I was adjusting my attitude towards the idea of living in the Midwest. I’ve known disappointment plenty of times in my life but for some reason this was especially difficult for me. Not normally a crier, this became a new part-time hobby. Looking for apartments made me cry. Ezra accepting job interviews made me cry. It wouldn’t take much to set me off. Not wanting to be so affected by my emotions I made a conscious effort to shift my attitude and short-term (dear god please) expectations.

So we found an apartment, I set up a little balcony garden and enjoyed the pool once it was warm enough. I dove into finishing my Shiatsu CEs to keep up my certification, and we went thru our garage and sold, donated and organized much of what was in storage collecting dust. And I started to nest in our little one bedroom abode.

I started shifting my thoughts towards motherhood. We took a birth class that was incredibly eye opening and transformative in our preparation for childbirth. It was this class that convinced me to switch my care to the MN Birth Center. Back in January was the first time we attempted orientation, but there was a fire alarm that set off the sprinklers and thus it was cancelled. The second time we got a flat tire on the way. For awhile I gave up on it thinking maybe these were signs. Our class made me realize I should give it one more try and it ended up being one of best decisions I’ve ever made. This was where my wishes would align with the care I would receive. So while I hadn’t planned to get one – I scheduled an ultrasound and sent all my records to show we were low risk. We wanted minimal intervention and so at 23 weeks we saw the baby for the first time and watched the heart beating. Forgoing dopplers for fetoscope, we’d still not heard the heartbeat. So it was a surreal and profound moment. There really was a baby in there and I was a mother.

Twenty-three weeks

In Iowa with the original mother.

Being silly!

On the upside of being in the Twin Cities (and if I’m being fair there are many) was being around family who was very supportive and excited for us. We visited Ez’s parents a couple times and my sister for Easter.

What happens when Uncle Ez comes for a visit.

Twenty-six weeks

Birthday for Soren!

Our families threw a couple of fun showers with all the silly games and tasty treats. Everyone made us feel so special and cared for. We received so much support and gifts for the babe. My sister calls it the modern day equivalent to living in a village – looking out for the mother-to-be. I love thinking of it this way.

What happens when a boy attends an all girl shower.

My parents had wanted to take us out for an engagement dinner back in the day, but because we had a very short engagement it never happened. So instead a year-and-a-half later they took us all out to celebrate the baby. It’s not often that we’re all together!

The kids loved the “baby sake,” otherwise known as Sprite.

Listening with my fetoscope to the baby’s heartbeat.

Twenty-nine weeks

Another shower with Iowa family!

Spring has sprung!

View behind our apartment. We literally live on the other side of the tracks.

Our dear friend Chris (affectionately known as AK47) whom we met in Malawi arrived back to the US and his first stop was in Minneapolis for a conference. So very serendipitous how to world works some times. So he stayed with us for a night and we heard about the rest of his travels and future plans.

Always a pleasure to hang with my nephews and stuff our faces with frozen yogurt. Indulging my pregnancy sweet tooth.

Birthdays and the beginning of summer!

There are no words needed for this picture. This is just how Levi rolls.

Thirty-two weeks

Thirty-three weeks

One more trip to Champaign before the baby comes. Memorial day weekend! I was feeling particularly lazy on this trip and took lots of naps. We did make it to the lake but you wouldn’t catch me swimming in this freezing water. Kids are crazy!

Thirty-four weeks

Soren’s 5th grade graduation!!

My Aunt asked to take a few maternity pictures of us. We were given quite the photo shoot.

Thirty-five weeks

Thirty-six weeks

Thirty-seven weeks

While it was a hard few months for both of us transitioning in so many emotional and physical ways (and trying to be supportive and positive for Ez who was working a crazy 75 hours a week), it was also an incredibly spiritual time. It was a time to practice acceptance and gratitude. I may not have always done this with grace but I made an effort to be happy. After all, I had a special being growing in me, a loving family, my health and the ability to transform my thoughts. If only I’d try.

Thirty-eight weeks